CONFESSIONS OF A STRESSED OUT SINGLE MAMA

I saw this on Facebook and it spoke to me. I have this Origami Owl charm that says "find joy in the journey." I try very hard to live my life this way. I believe life is short, and there are no rewinds. I think we should all find and grab happiness when and where we can. My mom has influenced me with her "at least" mentality.  Anytime I start whining about a situation, she'll at least me. Now Amy, at least...and she'll start telling me how much worse it can be. And usually I agree with her. It could be worse, much worse. And as they say, this too shall pass. But then again...

Sometimes life is hard. Really, really hard. Or maybe it just seems that way, and I'm not thinking clearly. I don't know. But I think it's okay to say I'm tired. Physically and emotionally drained, to be exact. Trying to find joy in my current journey. Some days it's there, and some days it's not. And that's alright, right?

So I'm going to say something I very seldom say or even let myself think. Raising a kid is tough sometimes. Raising a kid by myself can get really tough sometimes. Raising a special needs kid by myself gets really, really freakin' tough sometimes. There, I said it. It doesn't mean I don't love my sweet boy with all my heart. I treasure every moment with him and have never regretted being by Colby's side to help him fight this ugly, horrible, unfair disorder called SMA. However, SMA is all consuming and ever changing. It brings a lot of unknowns and stress into our lives. Some days I don't think I can take much more. I watch Colby's muscles get weaker as time goes on. I hear of another beautiful SMA child passing away and it's like a stab in the heart. So I just do what I know to do, keep moving forward. Keep pressing on. Keep trying. Keep hoping. That's what Colby does. He's the most laid back, amazing person I've ever known, even though he's the one with the illness. He's the one who needs help with every aspect of his life. Helping him along and pushing myself to do better for him is the least I can do.

The house has me a little freaked out lately, too. I know getting this house will be life-changing for Colby and me. I know it's one of the best opportunities that will ever be given to me. Ever. I know that I've had a tremendous amount of help and generosity to get this house done. I know much of the work being done at the house is on a donation basis, so it will take longer to get done. I know the people who helped me buy the house have been a tremendous help to me through this renovation process. I knew nothing about this sort of stuff when we got the house 7 months ago. I've learned so much and if they hadn't been there to help guide me, I'd be completely lost. I know this house will be beautiful and so much better than this stinking, tiny, cluttered, dumpy apartment. I know all these things, yet I still get wigged out about it. Again, I want to find joy in this journey. I need to calm my brain down. I'm worried we won't get in the house before our lease is up October 31. I have so many decisions to make for the house in the near future. I'm ready, so ready, yet worried I'll make the wrong decisions about something.

See, I'm a mess. How can you love and be so excited about something (Colby and house), yet be so totally freaked out and worried about both of them?! Good grief, I need to slow this brain down before I snap. Easier said than done, but I'll figure it out. I hope. And soon.