Tuesday, September 20, 2011

IT'S ALMOST TIME - OH MY

In about 12 hours Colby will be extubated from that stinking vent for the 3rd time this hospital stay. I'll be able to look at his handsome, sweet face with no tape or tube. Within an hour of coming off the vent, he'll start jabbering again. Even though they'll be hoarse and weak, I can't wait to hear those Colby jabbers. That's the part I'm looking forward to tomorrow. You already know what I'm not looking forward to, another failed extubation. I just don't think I can watch him go through that again. Watching your kid struggle just to breathe is horrible. I'm scared, really, really scared of what might happen. Do I think he's ready? For the most part, yeah. I'm never fully sure just based on his past experiences at failed extubations. They are not pretty. However, we've identified his infections and are covering them with 3 different antibiotics. His secretions are more under control right now than they have been this whole stay. We have to try some time, so I say let's do this. I'm terrified for him. Absolutely petrified what will happen tomorrow. Colby will never know that, though. He already knows we're doing this. Tomorrow I'll just smile through the fear and encourage him to do his best. That's all we can ever ask of anyone, please just try your hardest. Did I mention I'm scared shitless? I want him off the vent so bad I can't stand it. I want him to breathe on his own again. Most of all, I want us to all GO HOME and get on with our lives.

SMA, you mean, horrible bastard, you've taken away yet another month of our lives. You've robbed my son of his 4th grade year. He got in a whopping 2 days of school before being hospitalized. You've taken my parents away from their homes, their relationships. Their lives have been put on hold, too, big time. You've prevented me from working. I've had to reschedule my thyroid surgery yet again. I miss my friends terribly. We've missed beautiful fall weather after having a miserably hot summer. We won't even begin to explain the emotional toll you've taken on all of us. I HATE YOU, SMA. I hate what you've done to Colby. I hate what you've done to my family. Colby just has to pull through this extubation because we will NOT let you win. We WILL get Colby home and we WILL move on with our lives.

I guess you can tell I'm a little on the emotional side at the moment. Cant' help it. I have my Extubation List printed out neatly, pinned up on the message board. One of our fav RT's will be taking care of Colby tomorrow. Colby's TPN will start at midnight. Not sure what else I can do to help him succeed tomorrow. It's gonna be what it's gonna be. Hey, guess what, there's a patron saint of lung and respiratory problems. Ha, can you believe it? St. Bernidino. Guess I'll be raising up a couple prayers to him, along with the Big Guy, tonight. I'll post tomorrow as soon as I get a chance. Thanks everyone for your continued support. Means a lot, it really does.

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